Adrian: Day 23, The Practice of Sitting

I just finished my period of morning zazen, and while sitting, I realized that neither Emiko or I have described the nuts and bolts of our meditation practice. So, in this post, I would like to describe my own personal experience with meditation.

Emiko and I practice zen meditation, or Zazen - which literally means seated meditation. Though the meat of the practice is sitting, meditation actually occurs throughout the entire day. Thus meditation can occur while walking, while standing, while cooking, while eating, and even while lying down.

During seated meditation, our practice is to focus on the rise and fall of the breath, counting each exhalation from 1-10 and then beginning again at one. While doing this, one notices how nearly impossible it is to reach the number 10 without becoming lost in thought. So it is that we are instructed to let all thoughts and sensations arise and pass; with acknowledgement but not interference. In short, to just pay attention.

A common misconception about meditation is that the purpose is to stifle all thoughts - the logic being that if one is free from thoughts, then one can be free from the suffering caused by thoughts. But actually, stifling your thoughts will make you suffer. Another misconception is that meditation is the practice of relaxation. But too much relaxation gives the ego free-reign. Those two examples are microcosms of the two extremes - ascetisicm and hedonism. Our meditation is the middle way, and we meditate to see life as it actually is.

During meditation, we realize that much of our lives are spent in thought. We reminisce on the past, plan for the future, replay conversations, have imaginary conversations, reflect on the image we think we present to the rest of the world, and so on and so on forever and on continuous repeat. So we sit, and we focus on the breath so that we can see these tendencies of our mind, and eventually we see that we live life in self-created bubbles.

It is said that the ultimate reality is like a vast ocean, and our individual lives - the false images we create for ourselves, are like bubbles in the ocean. When the bubble pops, it rejoins the the vast ocean of life. And in this state, the totality of life is experienced. Actually, "experienced" is incorrect. When the ego bubble pops, there is no one there to experience anything. Life just is.

Sure, meditation is a form of mental conditioning, and skeptics could correctly label it as hypnosis, but what in life are we not hypnotized by? And ultimately, we condition our minds with meditation to be free from hypnosis.

I once asked a philosophy teacher, "People meditate to be free from conditioning, but isn't meditation also a form of conditioning?" He replied, "Yes, but you have to start somewhere."

It has become obvious to us PCPers that we have spent much of our lives hypnotized by food and convenience! That is why we are training ourselves to live with the right habits, right now! And it's neither easy, nor convenient.

I remember reading in one of Patrick's old posts that PCP had made his zazen practice better, at least physically. Today, for the first time, I was able to sit in the correct half lotus position, with both knees touching the floor. At first, there was pain, but gradually, my body settled into a state of comfortable stability that I have not experienced during meditation before. Even breathing was easier.

But the mental aspect is a different story. I have noticed during my zazen lately, that my attention has been completely bound up with aspects of the PCP - the posts, the responses, the exercises, my self image, the grocery lists, etc., etc. And yesterday, Emiko and I had another fight.

Since starting the PCP, tensions have been higher than ever, and I lost my cool yesterday just because the recycling was mixed up. I came to a realization - I'm still stuck in my ego-based bullshit! I have tendencies towards order, and Emiko has her tendencies towards disorder, and I wasn't able yesterday to just let things arise and pass without interference. I wasn't able to notice, to accept, to correct without getting my feelings mixed up with it. Instead, I yelled and belly-ached like a fire-breathing monster.

I pointed out what she did wrong, but that wasn't all. I pointed out all she had done wrong in the past. And I noticed that while doing this, I was pointing out everything that I thought was wrong with me.

After finally calming down, I became somewhat depressed. I thought: I meditate, I exercise, I eat right, I study philosophy, I practice my artwork, but why am I still acting like this person I never wanted to be?

Sure, with meditation I've gotten rid of 90% of the anxiety I feel on a day to day basis, but fundamentally, I am replaying the same patterns of tension that I experienced growing up. It's as if I'm a re-enactor.

My thoughts started telling me, "You'll never change, it's hopeless. You've been fooling yourself this whole time. You're the same old jerk." But instead of going along with these thoughts, I acknowledged my tendency to give up on myself and changed my thinking to "You have to keep trying. You can't give up. You can change, you already have."

So I hope that everyone reading deeply realizes what I'm trying to say. These ways we have of thinking about our lives is not reality. It's exactly these ways of thinking that cause pain and tension. Don't beat yourself up or others because of your ways of thinking, and don't relax yourself to the point of sedation. The ego grows happily under both of these conditions. It's only thought which makes life seem like a beach or a tight-rope. Whatever it is, keep steady, keep balancing.

I hope everyone is well,
Adrian