Adrian: Day 48, Some Thoughts.

The way I think these days is very different from how I used to think. I'm a very introspective person, and for the past year or so, I have been trying to examine the contents of my mind.

Last year, I was a totally different person. A lot of my thoughts were focused on fear, regret and negative perceptions of myself and others. I thought a lot about what was wrong with me, and with the rest of the world. I felt stuck, and my feeling was, "life sucks." But I had a breakthrough around this time last year, and my life has changed radically since then.

It's not all doom and gloom for me anymore. I still have the same old feelings and thoughts from time to time obviously, but the way I react is different. (I conducted an experiment to observe and confirm the changes, but it's a little complicated and I don't want to go into details). I still think about my shortcomings, but in a way that is more constructive and conducive to change. I still get angry and irate, but its short-lived and usually dissipates quickly. I don't find myself holding grudges. I don't wallow or feel self-pity. Self-pity is a far away land to me now.

These are very positive changes for me. I am a much happier and more confident person than I was a year ago, and I attribute this to my meditation practice. I realized very quickly that everything I feel is my responsibility. That's something I had forgotten for a while. The PCP has acted as a catalyst for changing my habitual patterns of thinking and acting. Instead of thinking "I can't do that" these days I often think "I'd like to try that." I'm also learning more and more about what choices I need to make in order to take care of myself. Actually, I have way too many interests right now, and I'm having to pick and choose the direction I want my life to take. In the past I didn't feel like I had a choice.

There seems to be a very close connection between the healthy expression of the body and the healthy expression of the mind, and that is something I'm really interested in exploring. I talked about having conducted an experiment on my thinking, but I don't feel like it's totally necessary to gather empirical evidence or anything. I've experienced the connection for myself.

What I have been feeling is that the PCP has reawakened my interest in physical/mental disciplines like martial arts, parkour, flexibility and movement in general. I played many sports and studied different martial arts as a kid. But I did all that stuff just so I could kick ass. I had a terrible ego.

Things are different now.