Adrian: Day 52, Willpower

I've been feeling a little bit low on motivation and energy lately. It doesn't feel like I'm in a valley. Instead, I've been feeling like I'm at the bottom of a pull-up each morning. It feels like a long way up, and I've been wanting to just dangle there.

Today, Emiko and I attended our first sesshin, or meditation retreat. I brought my lazy attitude to the Zen center today, and I battled drowsiness and restlessness all the way through. At times I struggled to keep my eyes open, and at other times I felt overwhelmed by my daydreams. Mostly, I felt like I was just biding my time, waiting for it to end.

For the last sitting, we were instructed to all face each other. We had been facing the wall during our sittings up until then. I fidgeted with my posture and sat uncomfortably, daydreaming in the faces of the people before me. I wasn't able to focus on my breath for any length of time. But about halfway through the final period, I felt a sudden burst of energy. My vision seemed to clear up, and the light in the room seemed to become a little bit brighter. The atmosphere completely changed. It was like I got pulled out of my head, and away from my thoughts. And I was able to be there with everyone for the first time. It almost felt like I knew each person there, when in fact, they were all strangers. It felt very intimate.

I thought to myself, "Wow, what just happened?" I didn't think it was my own effort that brought about the sudden clarity, because up until that point, I was feeling sort of crummy and ready to leave. I had been fed up with my own situation the whole time and then it just shifted to, "Hey...I'm not alone here. What lovely people!"

I had the idea that it was the collective energy in the room that had suddenly increased. I thought, "I like this, I'm going to ride this wave." I talked to Emiko about it on the way home later, and she said that she felt the same thing.

That's what I learned today. The quality of a person's effort relies on the people supporting that individual. All of us doing the PCP have had our struggles lately, and I'm right there feeling it with the rest of you. I don't think I could get through the PCP if it weren't for Emiko and the rest of the PCPers, and everyone else who reads and comments on this blog. So I want to say:

Thank you for support.

Adrian