Emiko: Before and After!

Emiko: Day 76, Clothes!

I first want to congratulate PCPJapan! How does it feel to reach the final day of the Project? All three of you look fabulous! I can't believe that there are only two more weeks until Day 90 for us PCP2-ers.

But I am definitely experiencing the changes. Adrian and I have started to shop for clothes again. I didn't want to buy any clothes during the Project, because I figured my body would be changing too much. But it's a necessity now. Most of my old pants are too baggy to wear, even my 'skinny jeans'. I've been wearing the same pair of turquoise jeans for a while now because they are the least baggy, although still fairly loose. Now that I am going to stores again, I realize that I have no idea what size I fit into.

Yesterday I approached the large rack of pants at a local thrift store, and I was at a loss as to which size section to search through. So I just grabbed all the pants I liked ranging from size 2 to size 7. After trying on many pairs that were either too baggy or couldn't even fit over my knees, I tried on some nice H&M trousers and they fit perfectly. When I took them off I looked at the size, and it was a 4. A FOUR?! My turquoise jeans are the same brand, and they are size 10. I could not believe the difference. Could I really have shrunk that much? And I still have love-handles!

My sizing for shirts has gone down significantly as well. Apart from having a round belly, I have always been rather top-heavy, so in the past I was limited to either medium or large sizes. I can't believe it, but a lot of the new shirts I have purchased are smalls. It's pretty cool!

On another note, working out this week has felt like a fresh start after a loooong absence due to sickness. The exercises are difficult, but I am pushing myself as well as I can. My abs have been sore consistently this week, and my legs and gluteus too from the lunges.

Also, I had crazier bed-head this morning than I've had in a long time, or perhaps EVER:

Emiko: Day 48, The Little Emiko That Could

I just came home from work, and took a peak at Adrian's post. It is funny, because we both decided to write about essentially the same thing without knowing it. And that subject is that we are beginning to believe in ourselves. There goes that word again! Believe. Last night I wrote about how I used to never believe that I could do things. That is all starting to change now. I have a renewed energy and outlook about my ability. I have become The Little Emiko That Could..."I think I can, I think I can...!"

One example in particular came to mind on my drive home. Awhile ago, 6 months maybe, I spoke to Adrian about wanting to become a volunteer gardener. I had wanted to volunteer at Tilden Regional Park, which is an absolutely beautiful place. It is so green and full of nature that you completely forget that you are minutes away from the city.

I spoke of wanting to volunteer, but inside my head a little voice said, "you're not capable." I just didn't believe that I could handle any type of responsibility. Even though I felt the desire, and expressed that desire, I never put it into action. From the beginning, I never believed that I could. So why even try.

But since beginning the Peak Condition Project, I feel like that voice in my head is going through a little lifestyle change of its own. Instead of being negative, the voice will now say, "I think that is possible. Let's try it!" I feel so much more open to trying. And when I say I want to do something, they are no longer empty words. Once I realize the desire to do something, the action that follows is much more immediate. I finally have control over my life! And it feels so good to finally believe in me.

Adrian: Day 48, Some Thoughts.

The way I think these days is very different from how I used to think. I'm a very introspective person, and for the past year or so, I have been trying to examine the contents of my mind.

Last year, I was a totally different person. A lot of my thoughts were focused on fear, regret and negative perceptions of myself and others. I thought a lot about what was wrong with me, and with the rest of the world. I felt stuck, and my feeling was, "life sucks." But I had a breakthrough around this time last year, and my life has changed radically since then.

It's not all doom and gloom for me anymore. I still have the same old feelings and thoughts from time to time obviously, but the way I react is different. (I conducted an experiment to observe and confirm the changes, but it's a little complicated and I don't want to go into details). I still think about my shortcomings, but in a way that is more constructive and conducive to change. I still get angry and irate, but its short-lived and usually dissipates quickly. I don't find myself holding grudges. I don't wallow or feel self-pity. Self-pity is a far away land to me now.

These are very positive changes for me. I am a much happier and more confident person than I was a year ago, and I attribute this to my meditation practice. I realized very quickly that everything I feel is my responsibility. That's something I had forgotten for a while. The PCP has acted as a catalyst for changing my habitual patterns of thinking and acting. Instead of thinking "I can't do that" these days I often think "I'd like to try that." I'm also learning more and more about what choices I need to make in order to take care of myself. Actually, I have way too many interests right now, and I'm having to pick and choose the direction I want my life to take. In the past I didn't feel like I had a choice.

There seems to be a very close connection between the healthy expression of the body and the healthy expression of the mind, and that is something I'm really interested in exploring. I talked about having conducted an experiment on my thinking, but I don't feel like it's totally necessary to gather empirical evidence or anything. I've experienced the connection for myself.

What I have been feeling is that the PCP has reawakened my interest in physical/mental disciplines like martial arts, parkour, flexibility and movement in general. I played many sports and studied different martial arts as a kid. But I did all that stuff just so I could kick ass. I had a terrible ego.

Things are different now.

Emiko: Day 12, A Lust for Life

Hello! I just came home from printmaking class and hour or so ago, completely blissed out from three hours of art class, but then I was like, "holy mother of god, I have no idea what to write about." And then I realized, I should really just share with you all how amazing I am feeeling!

Today in Patrick's daily email, he wrote that right now we might be experiencing this crappy stage in our progress that's kind of like a rotten, marshy no-man's land between having to struggle through all these changes and when we will actually start to see results. The point was basically to not let it get to us, and to just keep marching on.


But I have to tell you, I feel F-ing marvelous.

Tonight as I walked away from the printmaking studio, holding a giant, juicy, crunchy Pink Lady apple in my hand, I could not help but feel my body literally glowing with glee and energy. I know a lot of my happiness is connected to really getting into making art again, but that's just not all there is to it.

During the three hours of class, all I did tonight was cut, bevel, file-down, sand, and polish a single 5"x6" zinc plate (in preparation for etching a design into the plate on Thursday). That's it. We didn't work on our designs or draw at all, but the whole time I felt engaged and really satisfied.

While sanding my plate down -- which believe me takes a looooooonnnnggggg time to complete -- I could feel my muscles moving around and I could sense their new strength for sure. It was wonderful. Even as they struggled, I enjoyed just feeling the connection between my exercise and my real life. Of course a lot of the other students in the class hated the struggle, and gave up half way through and went home. But I guess giving up is just not something I've allowed myself to do lately.

Right after class was the best part though. The combo of the slight burn in my right arm from all of that work and the replenishing goodness of my apple was incredibly invigorating. It is such a change to experience my body responding to the food that I am eating the exact moment it is happening.

That apple was so pure and nourishing. Food is amazing. My body is amazing. How did nature come up with all of this stuff? It has become apparent that my body is coming into an equilibrium, and my energy and concentration and happiness are directly, positively affected.

I just ate two egg whites in a row and it was so great. I can't even tell you. Feeling this good inside, I know what I am doing (and all of us on the PCP are doing) is right. I am so stoked on life. I am living! And alive! Alive and living and I LOVE IT!

It reminds me of something Adrian said to me recently: "If you are excited about your life, you won't even want to go to sleep at night. But you know you should, so you sleep. But that excitement is what keeps you from snoozing the alarm in the morning and instead gets you jumping out of bed."

Well, I don't want to sleep! I want to stay up all night and draw and dance and draw some more! But we all know what Patrick said yesterday, so buffy sleep it is. :0)

Emiko: Day 10, Pressure Cooking

As you all know, Adrian and I are the first couple to go through the Peak Condition Project together. It has really made us learn about each other, and I know we will continue to reap that benefit throughout the process. 

With our new, gigantic diets for Week 2, the stress of preparing that much food for two people —with slightly differing requirements for our individual meals— has been a bit challenging. Having to think about what food to make that fits our diets, then preparing, cooking and actually eating all of that food is pretty time consuming. 

We both also started school last week. I am going full-time, and Adrian is going part-time. Along with my cafe job and Adrian's bookselling business, we have little time to rest. Our schedules look completely different, so we haven't been able to slide into a routine yet. We have even had to cut our usual amount of meditation by almost half to accommodate our new, fuller days.

Today, our third day on the new diet, the tension rose between us. We realized that the meal we had somewhat-planned last night was not as planned as it should have been. We knew what we wanted to eat but were not really prepared come lunch time, and that made the tension boil over. But in the end we were able to put our meal together and work things out.

Something you learn after being with someone for three years is that you will never know everything about that person, you only become aware of that person. The Project is also definitely a learning process, and I think we are lucky that we are doing the PCP together as partners. Adrian and I not only get to learn how to cook, but we are learning more about ourselves and each other. 

Although we are sitting on the cushion much less, we have had to bring our practice into our daily activities a lot more. This is such a necessity, and we have both been trying to be more mindful of everything that we do. But this week it was really forced upon us because you must pay attention to what you are doing. I am really appreciative of that, even if it is hard right now.

We definitely haven't hit our groove yet, but that will come. Balancing our tasks efficiently while still remaining sensitive and aware of each other is our newest challenge, and one that we have to face together. 

I love you Adrian!

Emiko: Day 6, New Beginnings

The greatest gift that the PCP has given me is an awareness of what I am putting in my body. When I feel hungry, my reaction is different now than it used to be. I actually think things through, instead of just grabbing and making what seems satisfying at the time. I ask myself, How hungry am I, really? And how is this going to make me feel if I do eat it? What is half of my normal portion of this food?!? I can see how addicted I am to food, and this focused awareness really helps me to catch and break my old habits and attachments.

Something about either exercising daily or eating so much less—or maybe both—has brought me into the present a bit more. I feel clearer, more aware of my present experience, and less forgetful. I was starting to notice this on my own, and the Adrian told me he was noticing it too. So cool! I seem to have become exponentially forgetful in the recent past, so it feels really good to find this improvement as a bonus to an already amazing experience.

Today marks exactly one month until my 20th birthday. It's pretty exciting knowing that after just a single month I am going to be looking, feeling, and eating so much healthier than I probably ever have in the last 10 years. And just a couple months after that, I will look the best of my entire life!

I am also excited (and nervous) to start the "PCP Proper" with new, strict, weighed-out diets. Patrick will be sending us our individual diet plans on Friday. Is Week 1 really almost over?! Adrian and I are still undecided about what to eat for our Last Supper. I hope we don't cross the line just because it's our last un-weighed meal!

In other news, school started up again today, and I am pretty excited. I am taking a bunch of art classes and can't wait to get going!

New beginnings.