Emiko: Day 48, The Little Emiko That Could

I just came home from work, and took a peak at Adrian's post. It is funny, because we both decided to write about essentially the same thing without knowing it. And that subject is that we are beginning to believe in ourselves. There goes that word again! Believe. Last night I wrote about how I used to never believe that I could do things. That is all starting to change now. I have a renewed energy and outlook about my ability. I have become The Little Emiko That Could..."I think I can, I think I can...!"

One example in particular came to mind on my drive home. Awhile ago, 6 months maybe, I spoke to Adrian about wanting to become a volunteer gardener. I had wanted to volunteer at Tilden Regional Park, which is an absolutely beautiful place. It is so green and full of nature that you completely forget that you are minutes away from the city.

I spoke of wanting to volunteer, but inside my head a little voice said, "you're not capable." I just didn't believe that I could handle any type of responsibility. Even though I felt the desire, and expressed that desire, I never put it into action. From the beginning, I never believed that I could. So why even try.

But since beginning the Peak Condition Project, I feel like that voice in my head is going through a little lifestyle change of its own. Instead of being negative, the voice will now say, "I think that is possible. Let's try it!" I feel so much more open to trying. And when I say I want to do something, they are no longer empty words. Once I realize the desire to do something, the action that follows is much more immediate. I finally have control over my life! And it feels so good to finally believe in me.

Emiko: Day 28, Strong n Tough!

Today both Adrian and I were secretly daydreaming of naughty, un-PCP foods. I guessed a little that he was thinking similarly to myself, because while waiting in line at the grocery store he kept picking up the chocolates and candies and inspecting their nutritional facts. I found myself at one point craving something really greasy, something I used to indulge in growing up and up until a few months ago: KFC potato wedges.

It kind of grosses me out thinking how much of them I could eat. I would eat the entirety of a large box of these oily, squishy wedges. It would make me sick, but I was happy anyway. Why was I happy after being sickened by my food? Addiction. But now that I am (mostly) free of that, I can think about them, and maybe my thoughts will linger on them, but I don't have a physical need to turn the car around and head for the drive-thru anymore. Those days are over.

After returning home, eating lunch and drinking tea, Adrian and I settled in for a movie, but like he said that didn't work out (but did later, happily!). So Adrian started his work-out first, while I studied and waited for him to get through most of it. But then Adrian told me that he had just completed a set of 1,000 jumps and was ready for more, and I could not believe it! I was so proud of him and in awe of that number. That part of the routine usually takes me at least 6 or 7 sets to complete, bare minimum, and the most I had ever done in a set was 600, and that felt like a heck of a lot!

Near the end of his work-out, I jumped into my sweats and found I had a new bounce in my step. I was totally inspired to begin my work-out, and finally felt that "YES, I get to work out today!!" attitude, rather than saying "Aw man, I've still gotta do my work-out today."

My first set was 250, which is pretty okay for me. But my during my second set, I was determined to go for something much bigger. I wasn't sure what, but I wanted something impressive! After 4- or 5-hundred jumps, I realized that I was still breathing easily and I felt like I could do more. It kept going that way until I reached 900 jumps, and decided to just finish up my 1,600 jumps for the day. So I totalled at 1,350! That's more than twice my previous record of 600!! Woo!

I felt really strong and tough after that, which are not typical Emiko feelings. It was pretty cool. Those are two aspects that I admire in my PCP Hero, Michelle Rodriguez. She is an actress, and always plays those 'tough chick' roles. That is pretty much the opposite of my personality and character, and having a doughy body only complimented my easy-going, non-threatening appearance.

But now that I am getting stronger, I can at least pretend to be tough!

Here is a trailer from Girlfight, a film starring Michelle Rodriguez. She plays a young, aspiring female boxer who has to fight through a lot of barriers. So you can really see what I'm talking about!





Anyways, I'm pooped from all of the running around and jumping in place. My last note is that, after some calculations, I have discovered that right now Adrian and I have over 100 eggs in our fridge. Isn't that insane?? And they'll be gone quick, too, since tomorrow we start our new, eggier diets!

Until then, good night all!

Adrian: Day 23, The Practice of Sitting

I just finished my period of morning zazen, and while sitting, I realized that neither Emiko or I have described the nuts and bolts of our meditation practice. So, in this post, I would like to describe my own personal experience with meditation.

Emiko and I practice zen meditation, or Zazen - which literally means seated meditation. Though the meat of the practice is sitting, meditation actually occurs throughout the entire day. Thus meditation can occur while walking, while standing, while cooking, while eating, and even while lying down.

During seated meditation, our practice is to focus on the rise and fall of the breath, counting each exhalation from 1-10 and then beginning again at one. While doing this, one notices how nearly impossible it is to reach the number 10 without becoming lost in thought. So it is that we are instructed to let all thoughts and sensations arise and pass; with acknowledgement but not interference. In short, to just pay attention.

A common misconception about meditation is that the purpose is to stifle all thoughts - the logic being that if one is free from thoughts, then one can be free from the suffering caused by thoughts. But actually, stifling your thoughts will make you suffer. Another misconception is that meditation is the practice of relaxation. But too much relaxation gives the ego free-reign. Those two examples are microcosms of the two extremes - ascetisicm and hedonism. Our meditation is the middle way, and we meditate to see life as it actually is.

During meditation, we realize that much of our lives are spent in thought. We reminisce on the past, plan for the future, replay conversations, have imaginary conversations, reflect on the image we think we present to the rest of the world, and so on and so on forever and on continuous repeat. So we sit, and we focus on the breath so that we can see these tendencies of our mind, and eventually we see that we live life in self-created bubbles.

It is said that the ultimate reality is like a vast ocean, and our individual lives - the false images we create for ourselves, are like bubbles in the ocean. When the bubble pops, it rejoins the the vast ocean of life. And in this state, the totality of life is experienced. Actually, "experienced" is incorrect. When the ego bubble pops, there is no one there to experience anything. Life just is.

Sure, meditation is a form of mental conditioning, and skeptics could correctly label it as hypnosis, but what in life are we not hypnotized by? And ultimately, we condition our minds with meditation to be free from hypnosis.

I once asked a philosophy teacher, "People meditate to be free from conditioning, but isn't meditation also a form of conditioning?" He replied, "Yes, but you have to start somewhere."

It has become obvious to us PCPers that we have spent much of our lives hypnotized by food and convenience! That is why we are training ourselves to live with the right habits, right now! And it's neither easy, nor convenient.

I remember reading in one of Patrick's old posts that PCP had made his zazen practice better, at least physically. Today, for the first time, I was able to sit in the correct half lotus position, with both knees touching the floor. At first, there was pain, but gradually, my body settled into a state of comfortable stability that I have not experienced during meditation before. Even breathing was easier.

But the mental aspect is a different story. I have noticed during my zazen lately, that my attention has been completely bound up with aspects of the PCP - the posts, the responses, the exercises, my self image, the grocery lists, etc., etc. And yesterday, Emiko and I had another fight.

Since starting the PCP, tensions have been higher than ever, and I lost my cool yesterday just because the recycling was mixed up. I came to a realization - I'm still stuck in my ego-based bullshit! I have tendencies towards order, and Emiko has her tendencies towards disorder, and I wasn't able yesterday to just let things arise and pass without interference. I wasn't able to notice, to accept, to correct without getting my feelings mixed up with it. Instead, I yelled and belly-ached like a fire-breathing monster.

I pointed out what she did wrong, but that wasn't all. I pointed out all she had done wrong in the past. And I noticed that while doing this, I was pointing out everything that I thought was wrong with me.

After finally calming down, I became somewhat depressed. I thought: I meditate, I exercise, I eat right, I study philosophy, I practice my artwork, but why am I still acting like this person I never wanted to be?

Sure, with meditation I've gotten rid of 90% of the anxiety I feel on a day to day basis, but fundamentally, I am replaying the same patterns of tension that I experienced growing up. It's as if I'm a re-enactor.

My thoughts started telling me, "You'll never change, it's hopeless. You've been fooling yourself this whole time. You're the same old jerk." But instead of going along with these thoughts, I acknowledged my tendency to give up on myself and changed my thinking to "You have to keep trying. You can't give up. You can change, you already have."

So I hope that everyone reading deeply realizes what I'm trying to say. These ways we have of thinking about our lives is not reality. It's exactly these ways of thinking that cause pain and tension. Don't beat yourself up or others because of your ways of thinking, and don't relax yourself to the point of sedation. The ego grows happily under both of these conditions. It's only thought which makes life seem like a beach or a tight-rope. Whatever it is, keep steady, keep balancing.

I hope everyone is well,
Adrian

Adrian: Day 19, Mind Muscles.

So, in Patrick's latest email, he said:

"From the looks of your blogs it seems everyone is getting the promised motivational boost from actually seeing some results for all your hard work."

That was pretty true for me today. I'm definitely starting to feel a boost in motivation. I keep finding myself thinking about all the things I want to do, instead of all the things I can't do. I feel healthy, and strong. It's almost like I can do anything I set my mind to. And my mind is looking at the brighter side of things.

Physically, I haven't seen much change yet, and I definitely don't look like this:







But still, I feel good.

Hope everyone else is good too!

Adrian