We tried out a new recipe for lunch today. We made chicken with sweet potatoes, carrots & onions in our slow cooker. The recipe also included a paste made of garlic, onion, honey, rosemary & pepper, and butter, which we made with our blender. (The full recipe is coming tomorrow, along with a sweet potato fries recipe we made yesterday.)
For dinner, Emiko made Adrian an apple & banana smoothie, but it had a garlicky after taste. We used honey to cover it up, but that just made it really sweet - with a garlicky after taste. Luckily, Adrian loves garlic.
Adrian was in a really bad mood this morning. He even cursed at the carrots and sweet potatoes as he was chopping them up for the chicken recipe. The mood followed him all the way into the evening. But, after going out to do jump-ropes, the negativity magically lifted. From then on it was all hugs, smiles and laughter. It's amazing how quickly these things can change.
Today we both really realized how much of an advantage we have because we can do things together. We have been able to help each other during our workouts in a bunch of different ways.
One thing we've been able to do is to point out mistakes the other person is making. For example, when Emiko was doing her tricep extensions, Adrian noticed that she was using her entire arm to get through the movement. After bringing this up, Emiko was able to correct herself and do the rest of the exercise properly. Later, while Adrian was doing his tricep dips, he mentioned to Emiko how easy they were. Emiko then pointed out that he was going through the exercises too quickly. After slowing down his pace, Adrian had a much harder time, but in the end got a better workout.
We are also big source of encouragement for each other. Today, while Emiko was doing her jump-ropes, she showed off some cool jump rope dance moves for Adrian which made him laugh. While she was fooling around, Emiko was able to do her first double-jump, and later Adrian did the same. It was lots of fun and broke up some of the monotony of jump-roping. Also, Emiko usually cheers Adrian on while he is struggling through a tough exercise like v-sits or tricep extensions, and it gives him an extra boost to go the extra mile.
These aspects are of course present in other parts of our relationship. We have decided to work together to put what we learn in school directly into use. Although we signed up for a Web Design class together this Fall, we decided today that our time would be best used if Emiko stays in the class and passes information along to Adrian, while he uses that time to create content for the website we are going to create. In this way, we are learning how to optimize our time, and to work together to complete tasks. It is exciting and motivating knowing that we are working as a team in order to move forward in our lives together.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Adrian: Day 37, Introspective Post # 205
Last night, after Emiko had fallen asleep, I began to work on her present, stringing up the origami figures I had created on the ceiling over the bed. When she woke up this morning, she was very surprised, maybe more so than our cat, who kept swatting at the birds. When she turned the lights on, she was delighted, smiling up at the paper stars and creatures floating above her head. I wish I had taken a picture of her face at that moment. It's one of those images that I wish I could save forever.
Later in the morning, I found myself walking up and down the sidewalk, with my right hand placed over my left fist, placed over my solar plexus. I was briskly walking single file with a group of strangers. Every one of us completely silent. Each person had their eyes plastered to the lower back of the person walking in front of them. I thought we were a strange and silent parade, but the joggers and dog walkers didn't seem too interested in us. I caught myself daydreaming for a moment, and when I snapped out of it, I woke up and began to question my situation. Where am I? What am I doing here? How is it that my life has led up to this? I had no idea. I began to feel lost and alone. But I felt like I was in a group of lost people. Suddenly, the line slowed down. The period for walking meditation was over. We all walked back onto the Berkeley Zen Center's grounds, past the steel gate and into the zendo.
The lecture today was given by a jovial and smiling Buddha - Steve Stucky, the co-abbot of San Francisco Zen Center. He was a large, pasty, bald-headed old man. I could see his legs through his robes, I thought to myself, "I hope that doesn't happen to my body when I get older." But at the end of his lecture I was thinking, "What an amazing guy. I hope to be more like him when I'm older."
For the second week in a row, the lecture topic seemed to be aimed right at my thoughts, and the feelings I was having. He began the lecture with the question, "Where am I?" He went on to talk about how important it is to continually wake up to life with that question.
He told us the story about the time the forest surrounding Tassajara Zen Mountain Center was engulfed by wildfires, and everyone in the area was evacuated. He and a group of 4 other monks decided to stay, in order to fight off the fires and save what they could of the buildings and structures. He and the other monks worked intensely, sometimes for 6 hours at a time with the fire dangerously close to their eyebrows. In the end, they were able to save much of the Zen Center, but they still lost a few buildings - a couple cabins, a bathroom, and some other structures. He said that he 'grieved' over the losses. After the story, he showed us a humorous comic strip that was published in the newspaper around that time. It featured a monk greeting the fire and talking it out of burning everything down. The fire-fighters were very impressed, and a little child proclaimed that it wanted to be a 'fire-monk' some day.
The account about Tassajara was about the impermanence of life, and how we cling to the things we hold dear. We shouldn't cling, because everything around us is changing and dying. But even so, we can't just give up. Even though our lives and our relationships don't last forever, we should take care of them with the utmost of our ability while we can. What's the best way for me to take care of my life? Probably to just pay attention. To be there for whatever happens to be present in my life, rather than just letting myself float by.
That is something I'm still learning how to do, and it's been a struggle. But I hope that if I keep at it day by day, eventually I will not be so perplexed by the question, "Where am I?" It is precisely because I take my life for granted that it passes me by and I get confused by it.
The Beatles said, "Living is easy with eyes closed". But, I've noticed that even though my eyes are open, I'm not awake. I have to keep trying though. I have to wake up, again and again.
Later in the morning, I found myself walking up and down the sidewalk, with my right hand placed over my left fist, placed over my solar plexus. I was briskly walking single file with a group of strangers. Every one of us completely silent. Each person had their eyes plastered to the lower back of the person walking in front of them. I thought we were a strange and silent parade, but the joggers and dog walkers didn't seem too interested in us. I caught myself daydreaming for a moment, and when I snapped out of it, I woke up and began to question my situation. Where am I? What am I doing here? How is it that my life has led up to this? I had no idea. I began to feel lost and alone. But I felt like I was in a group of lost people. Suddenly, the line slowed down. The period for walking meditation was over. We all walked back onto the Berkeley Zen Center's grounds, past the steel gate and into the zendo.
The lecture today was given by a jovial and smiling Buddha - Steve Stucky, the co-abbot of San Francisco Zen Center. He was a large, pasty, bald-headed old man. I could see his legs through his robes, I thought to myself, "I hope that doesn't happen to my body when I get older." But at the end of his lecture I was thinking, "What an amazing guy. I hope to be more like him when I'm older."
For the second week in a row, the lecture topic seemed to be aimed right at my thoughts, and the feelings I was having. He began the lecture with the question, "Where am I?" He went on to talk about how important it is to continually wake up to life with that question.
He told us the story about the time the forest surrounding Tassajara Zen Mountain Center was engulfed by wildfires, and everyone in the area was evacuated. He and a group of 4 other monks decided to stay, in order to fight off the fires and save what they could of the buildings and structures. He and the other monks worked intensely, sometimes for 6 hours at a time with the fire dangerously close to their eyebrows. In the end, they were able to save much of the Zen Center, but they still lost a few buildings - a couple cabins, a bathroom, and some other structures. He said that he 'grieved' over the losses. After the story, he showed us a humorous comic strip that was published in the newspaper around that time. It featured a monk greeting the fire and talking it out of burning everything down. The fire-fighters were very impressed, and a little child proclaimed that it wanted to be a 'fire-monk' some day.
The account about Tassajara was about the impermanence of life, and how we cling to the things we hold dear. We shouldn't cling, because everything around us is changing and dying. But even so, we can't just give up. Even though our lives and our relationships don't last forever, we should take care of them with the utmost of our ability while we can. What's the best way for me to take care of my life? Probably to just pay attention. To be there for whatever happens to be present in my life, rather than just letting myself float by.
That is something I'm still learning how to do, and it's been a struggle. But I hope that if I keep at it day by day, eventually I will not be so perplexed by the question, "Where am I?" It is precisely because I take my life for granted that it passes me by and I get confused by it.
The Beatles said, "Living is easy with eyes closed". But, I've noticed that even though my eyes are open, I'm not awake. I have to keep trying though. I have to wake up, again and again.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Adrian: Day 23, The Practice of Sitting
I just finished my period of morning zazen, and while sitting, I realized that neither Emiko or I have described the nuts and bolts of our meditation practice. So, in this post, I would like to describe my own personal experience with meditation.
Emiko and I practice zen meditation, or Zazen - which literally means seated meditation. Though the meat of the practice is sitting, meditation actually occurs throughout the entire day. Thus meditation can occur while walking, while standing, while cooking, while eating, and even while lying down.
During seated meditation, our practice is to focus on the rise and fall of the breath, counting each exhalation from 1-10 and then beginning again at one. While doing this, one notices how nearly impossible it is to reach the number 10 without becoming lost in thought. So it is that we are instructed to let all thoughts and sensations arise and pass; with acknowledgement but not interference. In short, to just pay attention.
A common misconception about meditation is that the purpose is to stifle all thoughts - the logic being that if one is free from thoughts, then one can be free from the suffering caused by thoughts. But actually, stifling your thoughts will make you suffer. Another misconception is that meditation is the practice of relaxation. But too much relaxation gives the ego free-reign. Those two examples are microcosms of the two extremes - ascetisicm and hedonism. Our meditation is the middle way, and we meditate to see life as it actually is.
During meditation, we realize that much of our lives are spent in thought. We reminisce on the past, plan for the future, replay conversations, have imaginary conversations, reflect on the image we think we present to the rest of the world, and so on and so on forever and on continuous repeat. So we sit, and we focus on the breath so that we can see these tendencies of our mind, and eventually we see that we live life in self-created bubbles.
It is said that the ultimate reality is like a vast ocean, and our individual lives - the false images we create for ourselves, are like bubbles in the ocean. When the bubble pops, it rejoins the the vast ocean of life. And in this state, the totality of life is experienced. Actually, "experienced" is incorrect. When the ego bubble pops, there is no one there to experience anything. Life just is.
Sure, meditation is a form of mental conditioning, and skeptics could correctly label it as hypnosis, but what in life are we not hypnotized by? And ultimately, we condition our minds with meditation to be free from hypnosis.
I once asked a philosophy teacher, "People meditate to be free from conditioning, but isn't meditation also a form of conditioning?" He replied, "Yes, but you have to start somewhere."
It has become obvious to us PCPers that we have spent much of our lives hypnotized by food and convenience! That is why we are training ourselves to live with the right habits, right now! And it's neither easy, nor convenient.
I remember reading in one of Patrick's old posts that PCP had made his zazen practice better, at least physically. Today, for the first time, I was able to sit in the correct half lotus position, with both knees touching the floor. At first, there was pain, but gradually, my body settled into a state of comfortable stability that I have not experienced during meditation before. Even breathing was easier.
But the mental aspect is a different story. I have noticed during my zazen lately, that my attention has been completely bound up with aspects of the PCP - the posts, the responses, the exercises, my self image, the grocery lists, etc., etc. And yesterday, Emiko and I had another fight.
Since starting the PCP, tensions have been higher than ever, and I lost my cool yesterday just because the recycling was mixed up. I came to a realization - I'm still stuck in my ego-based bullshit! I have tendencies towards order, and Emiko has her tendencies towards disorder, and I wasn't able yesterday to just let things arise and pass without interference. I wasn't able to notice, to accept, to correct without getting my feelings mixed up with it. Instead, I yelled and belly-ached like a fire-breathing monster.
I pointed out what she did wrong, but that wasn't all. I pointed out all she had done wrong in the past. And I noticed that while doing this, I was pointing out everything that I thought was wrong with me.
After finally calming down, I became somewhat depressed. I thought: I meditate, I exercise, I eat right, I study philosophy, I practice my artwork, but why am I still acting like this person I never wanted to be?
Sure, with meditation I've gotten rid of 90% of the anxiety I feel on a day to day basis, but fundamentally, I am replaying the same patterns of tension that I experienced growing up. It's as if I'm a re-enactor.
My thoughts started telling me, "You'll never change, it's hopeless. You've been fooling yourself this whole time. You're the same old jerk." But instead of going along with these thoughts, I acknowledged my tendency to give up on myself and changed my thinking to "You have to keep trying. You can't give up. You can change, you already have."
So I hope that everyone reading deeply realizes what I'm trying to say. These ways we have of thinking about our lives is not reality. It's exactly these ways of thinking that cause pain and tension. Don't beat yourself up or others because of your ways of thinking, and don't relax yourself to the point of sedation. The ego grows happily under both of these conditions. It's only thought which makes life seem like a beach or a tight-rope. Whatever it is, keep steady, keep balancing.
I hope everyone is well,
Adrian
Emiko and I practice zen meditation, or Zazen - which literally means seated meditation. Though the meat of the practice is sitting, meditation actually occurs throughout the entire day. Thus meditation can occur while walking, while standing, while cooking, while eating, and even while lying down.
During seated meditation, our practice is to focus on the rise and fall of the breath, counting each exhalation from 1-10 and then beginning again at one. While doing this, one notices how nearly impossible it is to reach the number 10 without becoming lost in thought. So it is that we are instructed to let all thoughts and sensations arise and pass; with acknowledgement but not interference. In short, to just pay attention.
A common misconception about meditation is that the purpose is to stifle all thoughts - the logic being that if one is free from thoughts, then one can be free from the suffering caused by thoughts. But actually, stifling your thoughts will make you suffer. Another misconception is that meditation is the practice of relaxation. But too much relaxation gives the ego free-reign. Those two examples are microcosms of the two extremes - ascetisicm and hedonism. Our meditation is the middle way, and we meditate to see life as it actually is.
During meditation, we realize that much of our lives are spent in thought. We reminisce on the past, plan for the future, replay conversations, have imaginary conversations, reflect on the image we think we present to the rest of the world, and so on and so on forever and on continuous repeat. So we sit, and we focus on the breath so that we can see these tendencies of our mind, and eventually we see that we live life in self-created bubbles.
It is said that the ultimate reality is like a vast ocean, and our individual lives - the false images we create for ourselves, are like bubbles in the ocean. When the bubble pops, it rejoins the the vast ocean of life. And in this state, the totality of life is experienced. Actually, "experienced" is incorrect. When the ego bubble pops, there is no one there to experience anything. Life just is.
Sure, meditation is a form of mental conditioning, and skeptics could correctly label it as hypnosis, but what in life are we not hypnotized by? And ultimately, we condition our minds with meditation to be free from hypnosis.
I once asked a philosophy teacher, "People meditate to be free from conditioning, but isn't meditation also a form of conditioning?" He replied, "Yes, but you have to start somewhere."
It has become obvious to us PCPers that we have spent much of our lives hypnotized by food and convenience! That is why we are training ourselves to live with the right habits, right now! And it's neither easy, nor convenient.
I remember reading in one of Patrick's old posts that PCP had made his zazen practice better, at least physically. Today, for the first time, I was able to sit in the correct half lotus position, with both knees touching the floor. At first, there was pain, but gradually, my body settled into a state of comfortable stability that I have not experienced during meditation before. Even breathing was easier.
But the mental aspect is a different story. I have noticed during my zazen lately, that my attention has been completely bound up with aspects of the PCP - the posts, the responses, the exercises, my self image, the grocery lists, etc., etc. And yesterday, Emiko and I had another fight.
Since starting the PCP, tensions have been higher than ever, and I lost my cool yesterday just because the recycling was mixed up. I came to a realization - I'm still stuck in my ego-based bullshit! I have tendencies towards order, and Emiko has her tendencies towards disorder, and I wasn't able yesterday to just let things arise and pass without interference. I wasn't able to notice, to accept, to correct without getting my feelings mixed up with it. Instead, I yelled and belly-ached like a fire-breathing monster.
I pointed out what she did wrong, but that wasn't all. I pointed out all she had done wrong in the past. And I noticed that while doing this, I was pointing out everything that I thought was wrong with me.
After finally calming down, I became somewhat depressed. I thought: I meditate, I exercise, I eat right, I study philosophy, I practice my artwork, but why am I still acting like this person I never wanted to be?
Sure, with meditation I've gotten rid of 90% of the anxiety I feel on a day to day basis, but fundamentally, I am replaying the same patterns of tension that I experienced growing up. It's as if I'm a re-enactor.
My thoughts started telling me, "You'll never change, it's hopeless. You've been fooling yourself this whole time. You're the same old jerk." But instead of going along with these thoughts, I acknowledged my tendency to give up on myself and changed my thinking to "You have to keep trying. You can't give up. You can change, you already have."
So I hope that everyone reading deeply realizes what I'm trying to say. These ways we have of thinking about our lives is not reality. It's exactly these ways of thinking that cause pain and tension. Don't beat yourself up or others because of your ways of thinking, and don't relax yourself to the point of sedation. The ego grows happily under both of these conditions. It's only thought which makes life seem like a beach or a tight-rope. Whatever it is, keep steady, keep balancing.
I hope everyone is well,
Adrian
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Adrian: Day 14, Time flies!
Nate mentioned in his last post a very interesting quality of time:
"...when we are busy time goes really fast in the moment, but in retrospect seems to have been forever. And when we have little to do in the moment time seems to drag but in retrospect went very fast. "
That's definitely been true for me. Working from home gives me a lot of time to do whatever I please, and usually, it doesn't amount to much activity. Prior to PCP, there was lots of reading involved. And walking, lots of walking. Walking to book stores and more reading. I've gone for a couple weeks without knowing what day it was. Maybe this is what the Zen masters were alluding to when they spoke of "no mind".
Probably not. But speaking of Zen, I came across a really interesting quote in a book I was reading today:
"To observe the regulations and keep to the rules is tying oneself without a rope. To act freely and unrestrainedly just as one wishes is to do what heretics and demons would do."
The quote goes on quite a bit, but those first two lines I find particularly relevant now in terms of how we've all been thinking about time and structure.
Our relationships with others are very intimately and almost exclusively related to our schedules. There are the people we socialize with when we have to be at work, and people we talk to when we're at school. There are friends that we see on the weekends, that we meet for dinner, and that we see only on birthdays. There are our parents, who we may see very little of. The person you live with you might see even less of. These social rules are incredibly powerful, and they define all of our relationships. There's seemingly very little room left for choice.
But these schedules, these routines, we have to keep them, how else would we live? At the same time, this is the invisible rope which binds us together, or keeps us separate from one another.
The second sentence of the quote is about separation. And I feel like it very much applies to a person like me. I have felt like a 'heretic' and an outcast many times in life (very strongly during high school). I was always very opposed to going with the flow. But going against the flow for too long may result in much suffering and eventually drowning. Without routine or schedule, our relationships become severed. When no one cares about you, its easy not to care about yourself.
So tell me, what is the right way?
"...when we are busy time goes really fast in the moment, but in retrospect seems to have been forever. And when we have little to do in the moment time seems to drag but in retrospect went very fast. "
That's definitely been true for me. Working from home gives me a lot of time to do whatever I please, and usually, it doesn't amount to much activity. Prior to PCP, there was lots of reading involved. And walking, lots of walking. Walking to book stores and more reading. I've gone for a couple weeks without knowing what day it was. Maybe this is what the Zen masters were alluding to when they spoke of "no mind".
Probably not. But speaking of Zen, I came across a really interesting quote in a book I was reading today:
"To observe the regulations and keep to the rules is tying oneself without a rope. To act freely and unrestrainedly just as one wishes is to do what heretics and demons would do."
The quote goes on quite a bit, but those first two lines I find particularly relevant now in terms of how we've all been thinking about time and structure.
Our relationships with others are very intimately and almost exclusively related to our schedules. There are the people we socialize with when we have to be at work, and people we talk to when we're at school. There are friends that we see on the weekends, that we meet for dinner, and that we see only on birthdays. There are our parents, who we may see very little of. The person you live with you might see even less of. These social rules are incredibly powerful, and they define all of our relationships. There's seemingly very little room left for choice.
But these schedules, these routines, we have to keep them, how else would we live? At the same time, this is the invisible rope which binds us together, or keeps us separate from one another.
The second sentence of the quote is about separation. And I feel like it very much applies to a person like me. I have felt like a 'heretic' and an outcast many times in life (very strongly during high school). I was always very opposed to going with the flow. But going against the flow for too long may result in much suffering and eventually drowning. Without routine or schedule, our relationships become severed. When no one cares about you, its easy not to care about yourself.
So tell me, what is the right way?
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