Emiko: Day 78, Cinematic Consumption

Things have been pretty busy in the A&E household. Lots of job-hunting, and related stuff. I am feeling pretty anxious these days. Adrian and I decided to go to a movie last night, which was a nice break from some of the activity this week. As we were getting ready to head out to the movie theater, I realized that my thoughts were turning to food. Specifically, popcorn and candy. I realized how conditioned I am to eat during movies, and felt a little disturbed by that. I sat down and ate my dinner - a bowl of sliced apple & banana and milk - and knew that I didn't even really want that junky food, I was just used to it. And so are most people. It kind of sucks that we are conditioned to mindlessly consume candy, popcorn, soda, chocolate, and whatever else. Despite confronting it, the feeling stayed with me through the movie. I didn't act on it, but I was quietly aware of it.

Speaking of anxiety, I have a phone interview for a job this afternoon. Wish me luck! I plan to have my third and final indulgence directly following the interview, so I will be updating on that soon! Hope you all are well.

Emiko: Day 59, Eggy-Weggs

Today started off really well. I got up early early, around 5:30am, to do my jump-ropes before heading off to work. I happened to hear my downstairs neighbor rev up his truck outside and saw him driving away, so I was able to do my jumping indoors without disturbing anyone. I love our new time/set situation for jump-ropes, which is 3 sets of 5 mins. So much easier than any of the other combinations of 4 x 4 mins, 5 x 3 mins, etc. Five minutes kinda goes on forever, but you can really get in the groove of jumping, and before you know if you have finished all three sets.

After a hot shower, I started to eat a little bowl of cereal before deciding to pack it up and eat the rest of breakfast at work. I like to take advantage of eating at work, not only because the food is free, but because I often get something that varies from what's usually in the fridge at home. At work, I finished my cereal, had some yogurt topped with almonds slices that fell off of the almond croissants during their delivery, and a tomato/cucumber/basil salad. Sunday mornings are very busy shifts, and soon after I finished breakfast customers started pouring in. I had to rush around like a mad woman for hours.

Around noon I finally got my lunch break. By this time I felt really woozy and light-headed, and my stomach was growling. I couldn't figure out what was happening. I was a little late for my mid-morning fruit snack, but it shouldn't have been such a big deal. Then I remembered... I totally neglected to eat my egg during breakfast! This is my big source of protein and fat in the morning. Because we don't serve eggs at work, I wasn't able to eat an egg during my shift. But I decided to have a few slices of mozzarella (which is also fat and protein-licious) on the side with my fruit, and I felt so much better.

It's amazing how skipping one little egg made such a big difference in my composure! So, lesson learned: eggs and egg-whites are so important! So simple, yet so nutritious. Definitely won't be forgetting my eggs tomorrow.

Emiko: Day 52, Ebb and Flow

As Adrian mentioned, today we both went to our first meditation retreat at the Berkeley Zen Center. It was a half-day sesshin, from 8:30am-3pm, and was geared toward beginners and new community members. We did alternating periods of Zazen, sitting meditation, and Kinhin, walking meditation, with breaks for lecture, lunch, and an informal discussion over tea.

What I wanted to write about today is a connection that I made between observing my mind during meditation and observing my habits in daily life. This is a very simple one, and one I've made before, but it's particularly relevent today. Because today I had a big time craving for sweets, and it was very difficult to battle with. Actually it was less of a battle, and more me just giving into it. I feel like at this point in the Project I am losing some of my initial motivation, so it's harder to say No to myself.

After noticing the ebb and flow of my thoughts during meditation, I realize how much I also indulge in my thoughts. I let myself fall onto a train of thought and before I know it, five or even ten minutes have gone by without my awareness. I think this is the same for the way I eat and think about food.

Some days, I could care less about sugar. Other times, like today, sugar is all I can think about. I want to eat all of the yummy dates in our fridge, the banana chocolate-chip cookies at work, and drizzle honey on everything else. And I often let myself indulge in my cravings, at least in some little way. Even if it is small, I am still letting myself do it.

I am finding that my willpower is not what it should be. All of these small actions are probably the big reason I have been so unhealthy throughout the years. It is also affecting my results during this project, I'm sure. I have such a tough time letting my cravings pass ...instead, I grab onto them. It's like allowing myself to attach to a train of though during zazen. My effort is not quite right. These small actions show the big picture of how I truly act.

Upon rereading this, I feel like it's coming off as a bummer. But I don't want that! It is really positive to realize these things. It reminds me of something that was said during the lecture at the sesshin today: Even if what you're doing is hard, as long as you trust the person asking it of you, then you know it's coming from a place of care. I know that when I realize these things in myself, and even when I feel frustrated with finding solutions to them, working on them is a way of caring for myself. I face my problems to care for myself. So this is really a very happy thing!

Also, I wanted to record my reckless behavior today so that, like Nate said, I can be held accountable in a way. Being honest about guilty actions is hard, but I hope that it will help me to avoid straying from the plan!